No More Mr. Nice Guy
This is The Letter, something Glen and I share with our mailing list each month. Sometimes it's a story, sometimes a teaching, sometimes a piece of the book. This month's is his.
Recently I've been noticing a pattern with the men I've been working with in my private practice. It's the "Nice Guy." It's a phenomenon that is specific to the men in our country, although I would imagine the effect is showing up in other countries around the world where the men and fathers are being taken out of the home for work and are spending less and less time with their male children, and the mentoring that is so sorely needed is absent.
The term Nice Guy is taken from a book written by Robert Glover called No More Mr. Nice Guy. It talks about this effect that began to occur around the time of the industrial revolution. Men were being taken off the farms and sent into the cities to work, leaving the child rearing to the mothers. This unconsciously created a dynamic of the little boys becoming surrogate husbands, and the boys, in their attempt to please their mother in return for love, began to lose themselves from who they are. The strategy these young men began to adopt was doing whatever they needed to do to please mom. As this strategy played out, it was no longer about what they needed and wanted, but what mom needed. Pretzeling themselves into a puppet-like character with mom pulling the strings.
I first became aware of this in myself when my second marriage ended and I was completely at a loss as to why. What the hell? I gave her everything! If she wanted to move, we moved. She wanted a new house, she got it. I built her a dream home in Laguna Beach, CA. I say I built her a dream home instead of us, because yes, of course it was for me too. But my unconscious motivation was to make her happy, at any cost.
This divorce was my wake-up call to figure this out. I never wanted to experience that kind of pain again. So I doubled down on figuring it out. I was doing therapy, going to men's groups, hiring life coaches, exploring my sexuality, and doing trainings that I hoped would bring the answers.
It was during my exploration that I joined an organization with a men's group called Ignited Man. What kind of a name is Ignited Man, I remember thinking. Part of the requirement for joining this group was to read No More Mr. Nice Guy. I thought, what is this, are they trying to turn us into jerks? But as I began to read the book, I realized I was a Nice Guy. It was really hard to read and admit this. I mean, I know who I am, don't I? (Notice I didn't know the answer to that.) But as I continued to read, it was like looking in a mirror, and I didn't like what I saw.
At the men's group, almost without exception, everyone was complaining about the same thing. Angry at women and how they could never please them. What's with these women? Why are they always attracted to the guys who treat them badly? Didn't women want to be treated nice? Yes, of course they do. But what they were attracted to was that these guys knew what they wanted. They got things done and handled their business. Of course, this wasn't a long-term solution either, since they weren't really concerned with what their partners wanted. They were self-centered, narcissistic, adolescent men.
Back to you, the man reading this right now. Does this sound familiar? Your partner asks where you want to go to dinner tonight. Your answer: I don't know, where do you want to go? Think about your own situation. Really think about it. How many times do you turn the answer back on your partner? Why? Because you want to be a good little boy and make mommy happy. The problem is, your partner isn't your mother, and she sure as hell doesn't want to be. She wants to know that when she comes to you, you have an opinion. She wants to know you know who you are. Women are powerful creatures. If they have to pick up the masculine pole, they will. But it'll frustrate the hell out of them. Why? Because there's no polarity in the relationship. It's incredibly boring.
So when she comes to you complaining, it's because she's tired of handling it all. She's bored. She needs polarity, she needs the juice. She wants to know she can trust you. But how can she, when you don't know what you want? Beginning to see the picture? I know it's confusing.
So you may be asking yourself, what do I do now? Here are a few suggestions that worked for me.
First, I highly recommend reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. I imagine you'll have that same moment I did: I'm a Nice Guy.
A good place to start is Dr. Glover's website. [Here's a link] to get you started. You'll find men's groups across the country you can join, along with his online mentoring programs. You'll find men suffering from the same dilemma, and it'll help you feel less alone.
Another great place to go is an organization called COR. They offer workshops for men and women designed to help heal the early belief systems that got laid down. For men, they have a workshop called Nobleman. It's unique, a men's workshop led by women, designed to help confront the feminine wound that usually stems from the relationship with your mother that I spoke of above. [Click here] to find out more.
Of course, individual and couples therapy is a great way to work through these issues. I work with men individually and run men's retreats at our retreat center in Southern Oregon. You can see what we're doing [here]. Natalie and I also work together with couples to help them navigate this phenomenon. You can find us at [wakeuporbreakup.com].
We're here to help. So let the journey begin. Check out the links above, and if you still have questions and want to talk, feel free to contact me through either of our websites.
With compassion and love,
Glen
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